How To Deal With Troubled Relationships

Communication between people could be compared to an obstacle course that is only won when all participants reach the goal together. Those of us who participate in an act of communication have a common goal for which we are equally responsible. But somehow we fear the ideas of others. Recognizing it is the first step to opening up to them.

Probably the quality of our relationships affects our potential to be happy and prosper more than any other factor. As social beings we establish relationships and the main tool we have to manage ourselves in a relationship is communication.

The essence of language is to create and maintain relationships. The word communication already integrates the concepts “action” and “in common”, and its objective would be to understand each other for various purposes.

However, reaching agreements to collaborate is not always easy. It would be like thinking that someone can communicate just because they can speak. Sometimes it happens that in the systems that we are part of –family, friends, work– and in which we interact on a daily basis, it is difficult for us to get along well with everyone.

Let’s face it: there are people in our environment with whom we repeatedly and inexplicably run aground and with whom communication becomes a difficult and often fruitless act.

We all have in our environment more or less close people with whom, without knowing exactly why, it is more difficult for us to communicate.

Communication leads to conflict

Said Oscar Wilde that selfishness is not living as it seems but require others to live as seems to us. It happens this way because we see the world through our own lenses: our vision of reality is unique and different from the rest.

In NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) we refer to that question by talking about maps. The map is not the territory it represents; in this case it is only a personal approximation. We live the same events in different ways, that is why the memory of an experience shared by several people may seem very little, although we tend to think that those who have shared it will keep the same memories.

In the case of people from very different cultures or generations, the map tends to move further away, since the processes we carry out to perceive or represent reality to ourselves are even more distant: what we emphasize, what we omit or what we generalize from each experience gives rise to particular results.

These differences become more evident when a conflict is manifested because we tend to assume that there is a true reality –our map or mental scheme–, as well as that the other has references and ways of thinking similar to ours, that they already know what to do with us. we refer and that, therefore, you should understand us wonderfully. In this way we tend to simplify the complexity of relationships, closing the range of possibilities that opens up in each dialogue between people.

Compete or collaborate

Life is possible thanks to cooperation. The biological perspective of evolution based on the thesis of permanent competition between species and the survival of the fittest is giving way to a vision focused on collaboration, as proposed for example by the biologist Lynn Margulis.

According to these theories, millions of years ago living beings integrated the criteria of cooperation into their behavior for the simple reason that they helped them survive. In fact we exist because of it. We seek well-being by grouping ourselves with others to achieve higher ends.

We have evolved from partnership, just as our personal efforts grow and multiply in collaboration. But collaborating and joining forces in the same direction requires coordinating, listening to each other and seeing others in their uniqueness.

As the Israeli military and politician Moshe Dayan pointed out: “If you want peace, don’t talk to your friends, but to your enemies.”

With people who have references different from their own, there will be more easily discrepancies that will have to be addressed. The normal thing, in fact, is that there are.

The operation of a team sport or a company exemplifies how unique people can understand and collaborate to complement each other, grow with inclusive leadership and achieve high performance.

Solutions that don’t help

We usually approach problems from our own logic or personal scheme of the situation. Faced with a situation of disagreement in which we usually get stuck, it is easy for us to have adopted a wrong solution, even if it seems rational, which leads us to keep falling into the trap again and again.

We can call this pattern “more of the same”. A problem can be a difficulty to which we have added a solution that does not work. With it we maintain and worsen the situation.

An example of the above would be not to greet someone, expecting the other to start and getting outraged if they don’t; or avoid giving information to someone for fear of being asked by getting the other to question us every time they see us.

7 ways to resolve conflicts with other people

Some traps that we often fall into in our relationships with others make us angry and saddened when we see that our attempts do not work. Making small changes will allow us to live better:

• Accept the other. When we ask another person to be different, we are not accepting them as they are. We can ask or let her know what affects us, as well as decide if we want to be with her, but without pretending that she changes and is someone else.
• Make clear requests. It is preferable to make direct requests instead of waiting for the other to read our minds and behave according to our expectations.
• Offer recognition. You cannot expect the recognition of the other without giving it. Sometimes we wait for the other to take the first step but he does not start. Let’s start by contributing something for the good of the relationship; for example, telling him the good things that he has or that we like about him.
• Don’t seek appreciation at all costs. It is convenient to remain calm and realize that we do not always have to defend ourselves against alleged attacks. Not everyone will like us, so it is also not wise to try to make everyone like us.
• Discern what you want. Those who tend to give in to the wishes of others should be reminded that this is a good way to make life bitter. Thinking about what you want – and asking for it – instead of avoiding confrontation can be a very therapeutic exercise.
• Give in if necessary. When a situation has become a pulse to see who can do more, giving in a little to reduce tension may be fine. In The Art of War , Chinese strategist Sun Tzu says: “Only the strong show weakness.”
• Trust the ability of others. If we distrust that the other is capable of doing something, we will probably end up doing it ourselves and complaining that they do not help us. That amounts to pretending to teach responsibility by removing it.

The benefits of disagreeing

Disagreement in relationships is enriching and therefore desirable. It helps us to debate, to question ourselves, to explore ; in short, to develop and build joint projects. And it is that, as Rodin said , where everyone thinks the same, nobody thinks much . It is impossible to live in continuous agreement.

If something like this appears to exist, one might wonder if we are not stuck: solving without asking, imposing authoritatively or keeping silent and granting . Disagreement is often avoided out of fear of falling into discussion or fear of violent resolution or one’s own emotional reaction to the conflict.

We fear its consequences : getting angry with another person, screaming, having a hard time … These reactions connect us with states such as anger, sadness or loneliness, which have the particularity of mobilizing us.

We often avoid conflict for fear of arguing, of being judged, or of our own reaction.

Anger, for example, can be helpful when it allows us to express what we feel or stand up for something we believe in. Instead of repressing it, we would have to take care, in any case, that it turns into something constructive and not into aggression towards others or oneself.

Repressing those internal states by judging them bad or inadequate only leads to postponing their expression and increasing them. The consequences can thus be much worse.

Conflict avoidance is also common because it involves devoting energy to debating issues that are often not resolved on the first or second attempt. If we fail in this process, it is important to connect with the benefit of reaching an agreement and to think that, when it occurs, all parties will be more committed and satisfied, which will strengthen the relationship.

Assess the intention of the other in the face of a conflict or misunderstanding

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote that “Hell is the Other”. Gregory Bateson differentiated between two important dimensions in all communication: that of task and that of relationship. It could be said that both should be equally careful when communicating effectively and interacting in a harmonious way.

Often times when someone criticizes us for something we have done we tend to take it personally. That is, a comment regarding a task can be considered a judgment of us or the relationship.

Paul Watzlawick exemplifies it like this: a woman makes a soup according to a new recipe and asks her husband if he likes it. If you don’t like it and simply answer “no” you may be disappointing to your wife.

On the exclusively objective level the answer would have to be “no”, but on the relationship level it would be better to say “yes”, although that could cause confusion. So the husband will find some way to get out of trouble without saying “yes” or “no”, that is, taking into account the plane of the relationship. Perhaps a form of the type: “well, it is different from others, perhaps it would win with a touch of …”.

This leads us to talk about the relational traps we tend to fall into when trying to solve a situation. In the case of soup, to avoid saying something for fear of conflict.

A useful tool in conflict is to assess positive intention.

There are creative options that we can use to bring out our disagreement without damaging the relationship.

When one party perceives that another has damaged its interests, it would be good for it to consider that one thing was the intention of that party and another the result of its action. For this, it helps to separate the behavior of the other (yelling at us, scolding us …) from what he actually intended (convincing us, teaching us …). He was probably looking for a good ending for himself: he wanted to be calm, for the task to work, etc.

Changing oneself: am I contributing to the conflict?

The second useful resource is to investigate what we do ourselves to collaborate and maintain a conflict.

Somehow it is what will allow us to discover a margin of responsibility to change strategy. And it is the most practical, considering that we are not going to change others and that being at peace with oneself it will be easier for others not to hook up with us.

For example, when there is a repeated misunderstanding with someone, I should ask myself : how do I feed that misunderstanding? They may attack or confuse the other, or they may not be giving them space or recognition.

To avoid the dreaded consequences of disagreement, it is necessary to take care of the parties and legitimize them, without judging the other or taking the disagreements personally. Speak from your own needs and feelings : “I feel upset when you yell at me”, instead of attacking: “You are hysterical, you only know how to scream.”

Avoid judging the other or taking the disagreement personally.

Realizing our own vulnerability and accepting that we are wrong also allows us to better understand that of others and to be more flexible.

All this will make it easier for us to understand, feel differently and, consequently, have a less limiting behavior. Nature, aware that conflict is part of life and that it requires putting ourselves at the service of collaboration, reminds us that our wisdom also involves opening ourselves to other experiences and stop hopelessly waiting for others to have our same priorities.