How Childhood Could Mark My Character And How To Change It

Resistance, understood as “the necessary balance between two opposing forces or tensions”, is a concept that has been little studied and elaborated in psychology and psychotherapy. However, Laura Perls, one of the creators of Gestalt therapy, insists on the importance of its study and its applications in the field of well-being and human development. And it is that, thanks to resistance, people form our individuality, identity and personality.

This individual resistance is forged in childhood and our personality largely depends on it. How did the balance of forces in your childhood mark your resistance? How has that affected your way of understanding the world and relating to it? With a simple test you can find out to try to change what you don’t like.

Resistance: how the mold of our being is forged

When we hear the word resistance, we generally associate it with “defense”, and this always implies an attack. But its meaning doesn’t just refer to something we have to defend ourselves against. Stamina, in terms of physics, is a phenomenon necessary for balance and maintenance of form; We could define it as “the action of counteracting a force”. Therefore, always, in resistance, two elements are needed that oppose each other.

In order to better understand what we mean when we talk about resistance applied to people, let’s think about the elements necessary to make a sponge cake, some cookies or a flan: a dough, generally creamy (not solid); a mold that contains it while it is cooked in the oven with the appropriate heat and, finally, a decoction time. The same items a potter will need to make his jugs, vases, or cups; or who manufactures metal parts such as screws, nuts and plates.

These examples are based on the concept of resistance between the mold and the material it will shape: thanks to this “balance of forces”, we obtain objects that we identify with clarity, sharpness, solidity, shape and volume.

By analogy, we could say that, at birth, we are that mass and that our first molds were those emotionally important people during our first years of life.

Test to find out how they influenced your way of being

Our parents, siblings and the rest of the people with whom we interact while we are small offer us experiences with which we experiment and shape our contours and limits. The result is, little by little, our body image and our way of being or personality. To verify this, we only have to answer two basic questions on a sheet of paper:

• “How am I?”

In the answer we will include both physical and psychological aspects with which we identify or that others identify with us. For example, if we are responsible, imaginative, distracted, affectionate, moody, a little chubby (even when objectively we are not), stubborn as a mule … The list can be as long as we want.

• “Who and how did they tell me?”

To answer, we must remember which people in our childhood referred to us directly or indirectly and in what way they did it (how was their tone of voice, the expression on their face …). It is, for example, evoking how our parents expressed themselves when they talked about us to other people.

Identify our behavior pattern

The answers to these questions speak of the resistance that we have had to exert to shape our identity and our personality. Ideally, there should be a “balance of forces” between us and our parents, that is, the right measure of socialization and education. But it’s not always like this. For this reason, sometimes there are some imbalances that originate patterns of behavior throughout our lives.

From our answers to the questions of “How am I?” and “Who and how did they tell me?” We can classify our characteristics into one of these four personality types.

• The subject

If our parents were too energetic and rigid, they often strained our ability to resist, breaking it. This caused us to submit to their pressures and, as a result, have little or no initiative, become dependent and generally submissive. We will be aware of the needs and desires of others, trying to please them.

• The resilient

If as children we lived in situations of risk for psychological balance, and loneliness and emotional deprivation were common, we may have developed a hardening towards the requests and desires of others. We have grown up being rebellious, reckless, quarrelsome and provocative, seeking disagreement and fights.

• The dominator

If our parents did not resist our wishes, because they did not know how to set limits, we have grown up feeling superior to others and imposing our needs and will on those around us. Selfishness and callousness are our dominant characteristics.

• The human

With the balance between our parents and ourselves, we grew up knowing how to recognize what needs and desires we can satisfy and how we could do it. Thus, we know how to give in to some wishes of others, commit ourselves and respect the other, speak and negotiate. We are affected by the pain and suffering of others. We are supportive although we also take care of our needs and our happiness.

What to do with the results

Once we’re done, we’ll surely get an idea of ​​how our past has shaped us and who we are so far. At this point, we may wonder if change is possible. But nothing is definitive in personality. Psychologically, people are very flexible.

Our past does not harden us in such a way that transformation is not possible.

It does not matter the age, the social situation, or any internal or external circumstance. There is always the possibility of changing what we don’t like about ourselves.

When we do not change it is because we do not do the right thing and because we continue to maintain the same patterns of resistance in our adult relationships, day after day.

Nothing is decisive. Any psychological characteristic of our way of being is modifiable; That is why self-knowledge and the acceptance that, if we set our minds to it, we can change is so important. Fritz Perls, father of Gestalt therapy, said: “what matters is not what they have done to us in the past but what we do, in the present, with what they have done to us in the past.”

Actually, we can carry out some simple specific tasks for each of the different types of resistance. In a short time, we will notice small changes that will lead us to others and so on until we are who, really, we want to be.

• For the subdued.

Ask someone close to you to stroke or massage you, so that you feel your skin and the tone of your muscles. Also practice saying “yes” or “no” depending on your wants and needs. Finally, treat yourself to a little treat every day that is just for you.

• For the resilient.

Take a bubble bath from time to time with the very hot water and feel your whole body loosen up. Think of someone you know appreciates you and, mentally, thank them. And finally, can you think of something that would make you cry?

• For the dominator.

Caress your loved ones and feel their skin. Surprise a close person with some detail and experience how you feel. Ask someone what you can do for him and do it.

• For the human.

Continue as now; He continues to enjoy giving and receiving, both physically and emotionally.

All of this is just the outline of a fascinating field of study and analysis. It is simply a small sample of the importance of resistance in our life, but also of how the possibility of changing what we do not like is in our hands.