Family Vacations: Reliving Old Ghosts

From the point of view of the person who is immersed in therapy, vacation periods always carry enormous ambivalence. On the one hand, they suppose a necessary and deserved rest, but on the other, they imply going to meetings in which they are forced to meet again or even to live with relatives whom they do not usually see regularly.

Perhaps, we are working in therapy a significant conflict with a grandfather, uncle or with the parents themselves, and on these days of rest, the situation of meeting them face to face appears. This type of situation generates enormous anxiety and is always the object of special attention in the consultation.

Family dynamics reactivated

It often happens that these family gatherings become scenarios in which all the patterns of the past are reactivated. The little brother, for example, will continue to be treated as such, even if he is over forty years old. The older sister, the one with the responsible label, will take care of the organization of all activities, including shopping, cleaning, outings, etc.

These patterns that have nothing to do with the present and with the current family or work situation of each one, go back decades and have their origin in harmful dynamics that, in addition to not having been resolved, have lost their temporal meaning.

In these meetings, when several generations of a family coincide (grandparents, parents and grandchildren) the elders continue to treat their children as when they were still young, even if they are adults and have formed their own families.

These situations, by reactivating these harmful patterns that were created in childhood, end up turning into unpleasant and stressful experiences. Precisely, these patterns are those that have caused the discomforts of the present (anxiety, insecurity, fears, etc.) from which the person needs to free themselves to regain their autonomy.

How to survive the holidays

When we speak in consultation about the proximity of the holidays, many people come to the conclusion that, until they feel strong and secure enough to face these types of encounters, it is essential to limit them as much as possible. Instead of all living together under the same roof, some choose to rent a separate apartment or spend a few nights in a hotel. In this way, the contact will not be as intense and the opportunities for conflict are reduced. Other people, in extreme cases from very toxic families, decide to postpone or cancel their participation in these meetings.

However, as the person progresses in their therapy, they feel stronger and more secure, and many choose to face family coexistence situations as a form of personal testing. This way they can put into practice everything they have worked in therapy and, also, they check what attitudes of others continue to affect them to focus even more the work in the consultation.

When the person gains confidence in himself, he begins to free himself from the roles he assumed in his childhood and connects more directly with his authentic self. From this security, you can show your elders that you have changed, that you have grown and matured and that you are no longer that girl (or boy) from the past that your parents insist on continuing to see.

He is now an adult person, perfectly capable of making his own decisions. At this juncture, you will then be able to choose what you want to do and what not to do, and you will appropriately mark the limits of your personal space (physical and emotional) so that no one invades you or intends to interfere in your life.

Mario’s case

Mario was the youngest of four siblings. Because he was the youngest, his parents had never valued him enough and still kept childish and patronizing him, protecting him too much, as if he wasn’t capable of doing anything himself. On the other hand, his older brothers made fun of him and subjected him to continuous practical jokes and humiliations, just like in childhood.

Living in such an environment had lowered his self-esteem and this was precisely what we were working on in therapy when the holidays came.

Mario felt much more confident than the previous year, when he still had not come to my office. On this occasion, he was able to block the jokes and humiliations of his brothers and to impose his decision in situations where his parents tried to manipulate him. For the first time in his life, he was able to protest and claim his right to have a say.

Family gatherings are a classic source of stress. To be able to solve them with ease, we must remind ourselves that we are already adults. This seems obvious, but we must keep it in mind so as not to fall into the old roles when our family members try to treat us as if we were still small children.