Don’t Tell Me What To Do

Max had gotten up early. It was a gray day that did not invite to leave the house. After the first coffee had been made, he would settle down comfortably in the living room and read a good book. Then the doorbell rang. I had no idea who it could be.

Max opened the door and found a face well known to him: it was Javier, a former student and a good friend, whom he had not seen for a long time.

-Man, Javier, I wasn’t expecting you …

“Hi, Max, I wasn’t really sure about coming either.” The truth is that yesterday I was talking to Andrea, she told me about your coffees, she suggested that maybe you could help me and … well, I took a risk.

Max invited Javier in. He turned on the coffee pot again, they settled in the living room and began their conversation:

“You see, Max, I have a problem that I don’t know how to tackle: I have a co-worker who I’ve been helping since he was transferred to my department six months ago.” You are inexperienced and continually need to be told how to do things. Last week I suggested that he do something in a certain way and, far from thanking me, he snapped at me: “Please stop telling me what to do.” I was stunned, because it’s the last thing I would have expected. Since he arrived I have been taking the chestnuts out of the fire and now he comes to me with those.

While listening to Javier, Max went to get the coffeepot.

–Javier, pour yourself a coffee, very long …

“The truth is that I don’t understand it,” Javier continued. It seems obvious to me, and my partner has to know it, that without my help he would not do things well, he would be wrong at all times and I do not think he would last long in the company …

– Does he ask you for this help?

-No way! But it is enough to see how he is about to do things to realize that he will do them wrong.

“What exactly do you mean when you say it will do them wrong?”

-Well, he wo n’t do them the way I would do them or, at least, as they have always been doing in the department.

–Then you advise him without being asked …

Those words were floating in the air. Max thoughtfully passed the sugar bowl to Javier.

– Put two tablespoons, the very sweet coffee is better, right? Anyway, Javier, you’re not really helping your partner.

–And why do you think not? Javier asked, surprised.

“Well, no, you don’t.” And I’ll tell you why. In the first place, he is not asking you to help him, and in those circumstances, he is more of an intrusion than a real help. Second, because if he wants to do things his way, he takes your help as an imposition.

–I know it will sound a bit pretentious, but I know how to do things correctly.

Max took advantage of a moment of silence to get up from his chair. He went in search of the jug of milk and passed it to his friend.

–I forgot to pass you the milk, sorry. Here, add it to coffee and drink it now, before it gets cold. Cold coffee is worthless.

Javier took a sip of his coffee with milk and, with undisguised disgust, said:

–Max, I don’t know why I listen to you. I like my coffee short and without sugar. Besides, I can’t stand milk. I just wanted a black coffee …

“Has it bothered you that I was telling you how to drink your coffee?” Even when I know how to do it …

Javier winced and managed a smile. Max and his methods … he said to himself. It had been so long since he had spoken to his former teacher that he had practically forgotten them. But the truth is that now I saw everything clearly: “I do things my way. My partner wants to do his own. I don’t like milk or sugar. Maybe my partner is … but I don’t give him enough space to express himself. There will be those who prefer coffee with milk and sugar and those who want it alone … In short, I do not let my partner do things his way ”.

Certainly, he had done well and, despite the fact that his coffee with Max had been somewhat indigestible, it had helped him to see things differently. He went to get a clean cup, poured himself a coffee and, in a tone of absolute complicity, added: “Max, thanks for your advice, but I will drink the coffee as I like it : short, plain and without sugar.”

How to really help and advise

• Do not think that your way of doing things is “the good one”. It is simply yours. My way can work too.
• Don’t help me before I ask. Do not decide when I need your help.
• I may be wrong about something I’m going to do, but don’t hesitate: I’ll learn more from my mistake than from your unsolicited advice.
• Encourage me to look for solutions, do not offer them to me in advance. You will help me to be more independent and to be more self-reliant.
• Do not judge what I do based on what you would do in my place. Judge me, if anything, by the result.
• Ask me for advice from time to time too. You will make me feel that things can also be done well … my way.