Doubts With Parenting? Listen To Your Instinct

Don’t listen to more experts than your own child and your heart.

The best-selling parenting book in history, Your Child , by Dr. Benjamin Spock (30 million copies in 39 languages), begins with a chapter entitled “Trust Yourself.” And from the first page he warns: “Don’t be impressed by what the experts say. Don’t be afraid to trust your own good sense ”. Then follow no less than six hundred pages in which he explains in detail what has to be done in the education of children …

Every time you trust your own good sense, instinct or whatever you want to call it. The point is that parents, in general, think that they need all these indications. Parents pose unlikely questions, often with an added tagline such as “I don’t know if I’m doing well” or “Do you think I’m a bad mother because …?”

Nature guides us

We forget that nature is wise. Each animal instinctively raises its children in the most appropriate way.

The goat has no doubts about when to suckle its young (all the time!); the cat knows perfectly where her puppies should sleep (close to mom!); the kangaroo never asks if it is bad to carry her offspring all the time in the bag; the anteater knows for sure what is the first food to introduce in the diet of his child; pigeons don’t read books titled Teach Your Children to Fly.

We would not be here if our ancestors had not known how to take care of their children

Also the human being has an instinct; But, unlike other animals, we can put aside our instinctual knowledge and raise our children differently. Many of these changes have been for the better. Thanks to them, our children are more likely to reach adulthood and lead a full and conscious life.

The experts have also been wrong many times, unfortunately. They have recommended parenting methods that are not based on scientific studies, not even careful observations, but only on beliefs and prejudices. Sometimes, by ignoring and contradicting our instincts, we cause useless pain and suffering to our children and ourselves. Let’s look at some examples.

Comfort her crying

The clearest is what we do when they cry. Several experts – from the media psychologist to your sister-in-law – have recommended letting your child cry, based on disparate, sometimes even contradictory, theories. That crying is good for the lungs, that he is trying to manipulate you, that if you stop him from crying he will not be able to express his primary trauma, that he has to get used to postponing the satisfaction of his desires as soon as possible, that he must be taught that he cannot always get away with yours…

And to you, what do you think? ¿ What is your first impulse when you hear your son mourn: let mourn or comfort? When do you feel most satisfied and most useful: while you hold him in your arms and caress him or when you turn up the volume on the TV so as not to hear the screams in the next room?

The cry of the child is designed not to leave anyone indifferent, much less the mother

The cry of a child is a very annoying sound. Even if it is not your child who is crying, you feel the need to do something, to silence him in any way. When you know, or suspect, that the crying child is alone, that no one attends to him, your anguish grows. Because of the crying of a child, the hiker is diverted from his path, the policeman knocks down a door, the fireman re-enters the burning house.

A clear manifestation of this instinct –but no less annoying for that– is that if your child cries in public, relatives, neighbors and strangers will run to give you advice or look at you with a severe expression of reproach.

When you go to comfort your child, you feel compassion for their suffering. You feel useful because you are helping him, and you enjoy the calm when he stops crying. But if, heeding certain theories, you let him cry, you will have to erase compassion from your mind. It is not possible to think: “Poor thing, how do you suffer”, and do nothing. You will be forced to think: “What a story it has.”

There is no doubt that crying is naturally annoying, nervous, moody, and aggressive. If it is prolonged unjustifiably, some parents, who have been prohibited from giving an appropriate response to their child’s crying, will end up giving an inappropriate response: yelling at him, shaking him roughly, covering his mouth, hitting him …

Hunger has no schedule

The timing of meals was another of the great medical errors of the last century. Someone pulled out of his sleeve – yes, his sleeve, since scientific studies were never done to check if the system worked – that you had to give ten minutes of each breast every three hours.

Children never claim the breast “ahead of time”, they need to suckle on demand

The famous three hours … The schedule was followed so obsessively that some mothers still ask me if the three hours are counted from the start of the previous shot or from the end, because then it is three hours and twenty-one minutes – with one minute between chest and chest for the burp.

It took scientists several decades to prove that these schedules were unnecessary and dangerous, as they often ruin breastfeeding. And it is taking many more decades to convince all pediatricians; sometimes it takes a lot to throw away an idea you learned when you were young and accept the new information.

But mothers had done it perfectly for millions of years, nursing when there were no watches. And, even today, the few mothers who are still deceived, slaves to the clock, have to make an effort not to breastfeed every time their child asks for it.

Sleeping together or apart?

In our species, as with all primates and almost all mammals –and I say “almost” just in case, but the truth is that no example of the opposite comes to mind–, it is normal for children to sleep with his mother, not just by the side, but in close contact.

Apocalyptic threats have been needed so that mothers do not sleep with their children

It took a lot of persuasion, a real brainwashing, to prevent mothers from following their instincts and sleeping with their children. Doctors, psychologists and books bombarded mothers with their prohibitions and apocalyptic threats, such as the ridiculous one that “if you put it to bed just once, it will never come out again.” Go now! Would you like to sleep today between your father and your mother?

Of course, even when she has been convinced that her son has to be in his own room, the mother still has the instinct to come immediately as soon as she hears him cry. You drop everything to answer your child’s call. The latest trend is to prohibit even that: if your child calls you, you should not go, but wait a minute, then three, then five … This is so hard for the mother, so contrary to her most intimate convictions, that you have to convince her that it is a necessary sacrifice.

Those who defend such ideas do not say: “Teach your child to sleep alone, that way he will be much calmer”, because very few mothers would let their child cry just to be calm. No, you have to scare them with imaginary disasters: “If you don’t obey the expert, your child will have lifelong insomnia, behavior and growth problems …”.

In arms, yes or no?

Another favorite topic of the experts is the one that summarizes the advice: “Do not take him in your arms, he is spoiled”, “He will go to the military and you will still have to carry him in your arms.” Well that’s a lie, because there is no longer a mandatory military service. And, more importantly, no ten-year-old and almost no five-year-olds get carried away unless they are sick.

Carrying is not spoiling. No child is going to want to be held forever

In this, too, the instinct of the parents is far superior to the wild ideas of the experts. The first thing that occurs to a mother is to hold her child in her arms. What is a great effort is not to take it, obeying the orders imposed by the “innovative” and unproven theories.

You and your son, two parenting experts

We explain several keys so that you are in harmony with your mother instinct.

1. Consult within: recover your memories

Even if it is your first child, you have more experience than you think. We have all been children before we were parents. Of course, many of your memories come from adolescence, which is a bit different from early childhood. But you will also remember many events of the ten, seven or five years, and even some of the three years. How did you feel then? What did you like and dislike your parents doing to you? Did you cry to tease, manipulate and get attention, or did you only cry when you were feeling bad?

2. Consult him, he is your source of information

Go to the best expert who is none other than your own child. How do you think it is happier, in your arms or in the crib? When the vegetables are not eaten, do you see him crying with hunger or does he stay so hot? Is he sleepy when the book says you have to put him to bed? Do you want to go to the nursery in the morning or do you prefer to stay at home?

3. Talk to other parents and discuss other methods

How have your friends, your cousins, your neighbors raised their children? You will surely discover that they have done very different things and that different methods sometimes bring quite similar results as long as they are based on the constant principle of mutual respect and love. Listen to those who you think understand.

4. Analyze the evidence and studies

With regard to parenting, can experts present you with scientific studies with thousands of children on the effects or benefits of their recommendations? There is no evidence to show the alleged dangers of holding or sleeping with them, nor is there any evidence that early stimulation makes them smarter, or that going to daycare will actually “wake them up.”

5. Apply logic and perspective

Realistically consider the possible consequences of what you do with your child. Are they really that terrible? Will you catch scurvy if you don’t eat that orange for dessert? When they tell you that “he is going to spoil”, what do you think they are talking about, exactly? Children raised with respect and love, if that is what you mean, are they not, when they grow up, adults who are respectful and capable of love?